Thursday, May 18, 2017

DBlog Week: Chronic

Grace has grown up with diabetes since age 6, 
and is now 14, almost 15. 
There is a sense that this is the way it will be. 
And at times, 
that brings me a feeling of sadness 
that washes over it all. 

There is a hurry to the early days, 
months and years. 
I've felt days of sadness throughout them,
 but the teen years
 bring a different shadow.

Grace is on her own,
 dealing with her diabetes all day, every day. 
She's independent. 
I am the 'checking in' mom.
But it's all hers.

As a mom 
you don't think about how 
the chronic component will affect you. 
The chronic wears on me. 
The wearing 
creates the sadness
 that this will not change, 
no matter what I do.

So now we just wait it out. 
We just check
 and bolus
 and basal
 and carb count
 for the rest of her days.

 Yes, bionic pancreas,
 I hear you knocking.
 Still a device.
 Still something to tend.
 Still something to worry about 
as a mom. 

We do not talk enough
 about the monotony of it all. 
And the impact of the endless. 
We should. 
We should peek under the cover
 and bring it to the light.

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