D Kit, Apple Chunkin' and the Tree

I search for D kits any time we are anywhere near cosmetics booths, counters or stores. My eyes scour Target for their latest cosmetic kits, which suit our needs perfectly. One little kit to hold everything - PDM, lancing device, lancets, insulin, complete Pod change, glucose tabs, extra Unisolve, extra SkinTac and SkinPrep, HypoFix tape, extra lancing device, syringe. You get the picture. Everything.

Here are our other D kit, the Bag of My Dreams.

And I scored one at the new Ulta beauty store that opened in our local mall. WIN FOR ME!

On a completely different note, we went apple chunkin' at our local orchard. They take all the old rotten apples and you can place them into a sling and fling them as far as you can. They even have targets you can hit! It was a blast!

An yet another note. Hurricane Sandy is hitting our area. Lots of rain and wind and damage. And I am scared of our neighbor's tree falling on our house. So, tonight, we slumber in the basement. Hopefully with electricity. Over and out folks. Stay safe.

Feeling like a failure

There, I said it. And I know what the comments will be:
Penny, you are so not a failure.
You are doing such a good job.
You are doing the best you can.

And on other days, I might agree. But today, tonight, I feel like a complete and utter failure as a pancreas for my daughter.

The last six weeks have been nothing short of awful with blood sugars. She is high, then she is low, she is sailing on a smooth course, then BAM, she shoots down like a rock. She shoots over 350 and stays there for hours while I throw what seems like water on her highs. We treat a low and she shoots high. She gets stubborn lows and hangs in the 50s for an hour. She is high one day, low the next and I haven't changed one damn thing. She eats the same foods from one day to the next and her numbers are no where near each other on those days.

I feel like I want to throw something out the freaking window.

I feel frustrated, because with all these highs and lows, she misses class time. She is with the nurse treating the low, adjusting the high, and she misses class. Class that she loves.

She got her report card and it showed a damn near gifted child, who is so far above the other kids that she scored percentages that are near what the guidelines are for exiting 5th grade. In October. And I think, damn, just think what she might do if she was in class all the other time?!

And she broke down tonight and cried about it all. How she wishes she didn't miss any class, and she wishes that she could just have a day of good numbers. And I told her all the right things  - that it will all be OK, that we will get on the right path soon, that Mommy will once again sit with the basals and corrections and ratios and adjust it all, so that tomorrow honey, no lows or highs.

And I feel like I lied to her. Cause tomorrow is gonna be one great big sucky rewind of today.
And the day after that. And after that.
On and on and on.

Cause I feel like I am lost and I cannot find my way back. That I am lost in numbers and ratios and counts and adjusting. Just completely lost. My head swims with the numbers and the damn, freaky graphs on her CGM, which look like mountains and hills and glaciers. Yeah, they aren't supposed to look like that, are they? They do. Every damn day for the last three weeks.

I feel guilty cause I am the programmer of the pump. She's 10, she doesn't do that yet. I control the almighty insulin. And the lows make me feel like shit. And they make her feel like shit. And the highs have me angry. And they make her angry.

I'm the puppeteer of a pump.

And I keep it all from her. And I tell her it's OK.
I feel like I am lying.

Sleepovers

It's the sleepovers that get me, I think. They let my brain run wild.
She gets invited to them more and more. It's what 10 year old girls do. They sleepover.

And she is prepared. It's not that she's not.
I have faith in her ability to care for herself and do what she needs to do.
But I end up putting some of my worry onto her, and that's not fair.

It's what I am thinking that's the problem. It's what I ask of her.
You can eat whatever you want, honey, just dose. Promise me you will dose.
And she looks at me like I am smoking crack.
Of course I will dose Mom!

How often do I have to check, Mom?

I'm fine if you check just before bed, and again before breakfast. Otherwise you can roll with what Dex is telling you.
I know, you don't want to check with all your friends there. It's takes time away from the fun.
Please be safe though. You know sometimes Dex lies.

Yes, Mama, I know. I run high, I check. I run low, I check.

I tell her to call me at home before 'bedtime,' whenever that may be.
The phone rings at 9:45 PM.
I answer on the first half-ring.

We are in our jammies Mom, gonna watch the One Direction DVD.
I just checked. I'm 124 with my PDM. 
Dex says 116 with a diagonal arrow down.
IOB is .25. We had birthday cake. I guessed 30, it was a big slice.
Should I have a juice?

Damn it. If she is at home, no, no juice. Ride it out, see if the beautific numbers hold.
But she is there, and I am here and the arrow says down.

Yes honey, have the juice.

Remember to put Dex under your pillow tonight. You will hear and feel it there. 
Keep your juices and granola bars nearby.

Yes, Mom. Yes, I KNOW.

I know you know, silly bear. Have fun. 
Call if you need anything.

And before my own bedtime, a night of sleeping the whole night through, which I know will not be true, because this Mama wakes at 2 AM like clockwork, D-daughter here or not.
It's my ritual.
It's my way of knowing.

I say a prayer.
That Dex wakes her.
That the 124 holds steady for her.
That this sleepover, her sleepover, is not touched by a Mama's worry.

DSMA Live - Thank you!

I was on DSMA Live with the lovely Cherise Shockley and Scott Johnson. It was a hourlong blast with those two. We discussed Type 1 diabetes, of course, but also discussed autism, special needs, and the DOC. The hour flew by.

If you would like to hear the recording of the hour, here is the link:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/diabetessocmed/2012/10/19/dsma-live


Thank you, DSMA Live, for having me on. It was an honor and a privilege!

DSMA Live Thursday 10/18/12

Hey guys and gals! Guess who will be on DSMA Live 

this Thursday, October 18th at 9 PM, EST?

Me!

Please call in so I can chat with all of you!

Dexcom launch

And we are live in 3.....2....1....

We are so much more than you-know-what

Our family is so much more than what-shall-not-be-named. 

Here are some snapshots from our life without it.