Monday, September 12, 2011

Saying I'm Sorry

This is the story I began to write last night, at 2 am, sitting in my daughter's bedroom as she slept.
I completed it this morning.

I think I just want to cry. It would feel better, to cry about this, than to sit in my daughter's bedroom and check her blood sugar every fifteen flipping minutes and see numbers that all start with two.

Since 8 pm last night, here's the numbers roundup:
8 pm 244
9 pm 260
10 pm 252
10:30 pm 282 Pod change to arm
11 pm 272
11:30 pm 276
12 am 285
12:30 am 277 Pod change with NEW Apidra
1 am 291
1:30 am 265
1:45 am 272
2:30 am 242

I mean, you know what DMamas, I know meter accuracy, 282 is the same as 275!

Despite boluses ranging from .05 to .30 AND temp basal increases of +30% for hours.

And Grace doesn't hang in the 200s. When she is that high, I correct and she comes down.

OK, so I changed her Pod to her arm at 10 pm. No problem. From the same just-a-bit-left Apidra bottle. Mistake, I think that was. I should have cracked open a new spanking new bottle of Apidra and roundly said 'Cheers my friends!'

It is finally at 1:30 am that I realize this is what I should have done. Why did it take me over 5 hours and readings that did not change, despite bolus after bolus, to actually DO the one thing I knew would help her. Sleep deprivation? I don't know, but last night I felt so very lost. I was so very tired.

And Grace was awake until about 11 pm through it all. I sat at the edge of her bed, my iPad in hand, desperately trying to stay awake and asking Grace to try and sleep, that I would take care of it, her job was to rest.

And I said some angry things last night. I cursed the damn insulin. I cursed the Pod changes.
Not cursed like sailor-cursed, but cursed them through saying -
'This is ridiculous...What the hell is wrong with this?...I cannot believe this... I will never get to sleep... I am so very tired..."

And Grace heard me saying it.

And I profoundly regret it. It's even hard to write that I said those things in a semi-awake 9 year old's bedroom, one who didn't ask for diabetes.
One who just wanted their Mom there, to make it all better.

Right around 11:45 pm, Grace whispers to me at the edge of the bed. She is about to fall asleep.
"Thank you for helping me Mom."

And I start to cry. I tell her that "No, no, Mommy is always here to help you through, no matter what. I will stay awake for days if that is what it takes. I don't mind Grace, it's just that I am so very tired and when Mommy is tired she says things she feels inside, instead of just keeping it to herself. But Grace, you are so very welcome. Mommy is so very sorry I said those things. I love you honey."

And I went to bed, finally, at 3 am, with a 179 BG and a +20% temp basal set for the next 2.5 hours.

And I went to bed with a heavy heart.


Our Diabetic Warrior said...

We're all human Penny. Sometimes diabetes gets the best of us. Children are so quick to forgive. I hope your day goes better today! Sending HUGS to you!

Tracy1918 said...

I want to wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug. We've all been there. Said and done things that we wished we hadn't.

But I think a big part of the solution is what you do next. I mean, you didn't it go. You talked to Grace and that makes all the difference.

You are an amazing mom and Grace is so very blessed yo have you! Chin up, my friend!

k2 said...

You're doing a GREAT job!!! Diabetes is NEVER the same disease 2 days in a row.

Valerie said...

:( You D-Mamas continue to amaze me! Seriously, I think she will only remember you being there, helping her and supporting her. I hate unknown highs that last for frustrating! Sounds like it eventually came down though, so hope all is well today. Hugs!

Anonymous said...

Oh Penny, sending you a hug and hoping you get a good night's sleep tonight.

shannon said...

oh man, we've all been there and said things in exhaustion we've regretted. i hope the numbers cooperate for a better night's sleep tonight.

Meri said...

There is something about our kids...something us adults don't understand. They only remember the love. All the other stuff, I bet she has already forgotten. Chin up, you are an amazing mother!

connie said...

Oh my gosh, my heart breaks reading this. You are an amazing d-mama and some days diabetes just refuses to be nice. Sending hugs your way and hoping you were able to sneak in a nice long deserve it after that all nighter :)

Unknown said...

I am sobbing...I think it is because of a few reasons a) you are a rock and to know that you lose it sometimes...well it hits home. b) I consider you one of my best pals in the DOC and I hate hearing that you went through this...text me next time (802-598-6081)...and c) I love you and Grace and hate hearing that you had such a bad night.

Sara said...

What a frustrating night! I cannot even imagine what you were dealing with!

I have to think that when your daughter grows up what she will remember most is that you were THERE when she needed you, not all the details of the words you said or didn't say.

Misty said...

That brought tears to my eyes. I have had those same frustrating moments of pure exhaustion, when it feels like I must not know what I'm doing because NOTHING is working! I have also cursed. Cursing diabetes, of course. But later hope that Ally did not overhear me. Hugs to you and Sweet Grace!

Jules said...

Ah Penny, I am sorry it was a rough night. I would have done exactly what you did and we have had "discussions" hubby and I about me letting him do a little bit more at night. I am so very tired and yet will not, come hell or high water, relinquish control wihtout a struggle. Sending love and hugs and big cups of British tea to fortify you. xxxxxxxx

Hallie Addington said...

I'm crying. Damn Diabetes. I've been there, friend. I have you. ((hugs))