Thursday, December 17, 2009

Magic and Loss

There is a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out.
-Lou Reed

I try and think of the blessings that diabetes has brought into our lives. And it has, truly. I've met wonderful doctors, educators, friends, other parents. There is blessings all this, true and deep blessings. It has opened my eyes to chronic illness and my child. It has opened me to the magic that is in every day that I get to have her in my life. It is every day that we are not sick, have no complications and just keep on rolling. There are blessings in this diabetes, I am assured of that. I know that, deep in my soul. It is a part of who Gracie is now.

I now there are those out there who disagree. How could there EVER be blessings admist this illness that smacks you in the face everyday? What possible goodness can come out of it all? I understand. I'm just not in that place. I have to believe, my faith tells me that there is, and there will be, goodness to rise out of all this. It already has.

There is also loss.

Loss of Gracie's life without complications, always pounding, pounding, at the back of my head. Keep her numbers within range. See the eye doctor. Get the blood tests. Check her kidney and liver. She's 7. It's hard not to realize that in her lifetime, she will run into complications. The loss I feel with that is at times, overwhelming to me.

I think of her losses so far.

The loss of carefree childhood days. As much as I like to think that I don't revolve her life around diabetes, come on people, it does. The party goodies have to be dosed for. Halloween mounds of candy we doled out like it was a drug. Friends house visits with her medical bag tucked next to the doll she takes. Dose when she awakens, count carbs, dose for snack in the morning, lunch checks, afternoon checks, dinner checks, bed time routines. Her life is the planet turning round and round the sun of diabetes. For her, there is loss in the game we play.

Blessings and loss.
Magic and loss.

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