Wanna Be

If you're going to go through hell... I suggest you come back learning something.
Drew Barrymore 

Grace's numbers have been all kinds of wacky this past week. Ever since I jinxed myself and her with the perfect 87 after swimming for 4 hours. I only pretended to know what I was doing :0) I knew as soon as I put it out there in the universe - 'I shoulda never said that!' - that all kinds of numbers were going to happen. They did and here I sit amongst them all - the 245, the 309, the 41, the 273, the rare 110.

I feel like I have lost control. Did I ever have control to begin with??? Maybe that's all a myth, that we have some control over the D in our kids lives. I mean, we try our best with this basal, and that bolus, and this and that carb ratio, but frankly, doesn't the D do what it wants most of the time? Like a bad houseguest that overstays it's welcome. You want to tell it to pick the clothes up off the floor and get a job. But it just lays on the couch.

While I was on the beach I thought about where I was in it all. What did I need to learn to do to get out of this hole? And frankly, I thought of one thing - that I needed to learn. I needed to learn how to be as close to a really great CDE that I could get. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to become a CDE and have no intention of returning to any kind of class to become one. But I need the knowledge that the good ones have.

I need to know how to truly do good basal tests.
I need to know how to change basal rates and then know they are stable.
I need to know when to go back and do basal testing when things go awry.
I need to know how to do the basal rates first, then tackle the boluses and carb ratios.
I need to know how to begin a carb ratio amount and recognize when it needs a fixin'.
I need to know how to look at the data and see what needs changing.
I need to know when I have enough data to makes those changes.
I need to know how to look at patterns and see solutions.

Seems like a long list of needs to me. Doesn't make me feel real good. To be needy, or even recognize that I need so much. But there it is. That's what I need to do this job. It's sort of like, for me, taking stock of getting a new position in a company and then looking around and realizing I might not know how to do it. What do I need to do in order to do it well? That's how I feel about parenting a child with the D. It's a new position and I need to take stock, 18 months in, of what I need now, to do it well. I want to do it well. I don't care if I am the best, but wouldn't it just be a shock to the system if I acquired the skills to do it well, and that, in turn, would lessen the stress I feel when everything is out of control? That would be heavenly to me - less stress, more knowledge and a feeling of semi-control.

So, tonight, I am emailing Grace's D-care team and asking them to help me gain the knowledge. I am beginning a night time basal test.  I am asking her team to teach me to do all of the abiove. Not just faxing them numbers and asking for them to solve it. Not just calling in the information and waiting for a call back. I want them to teach me. I need to know.

Just a thought...

Saw this on vacation. Too expensive to buy, so I took a picture of it (shhhhhh!!!!!) and here it is...
Just food for thought.
I have others I 'picture-stole' too. Postings to come dear folks.

Meet-up

While we are on vacation I gave Kelly a call to see if we could get together and finally meet face to face. I wanted to actually meet her and I really wanted Grace to meet her. Kelly was all for it and hopped in her car and drove on over to meet us. I cannot tell you how delighted I was.

Can I tell you how fabulous Kelly is? She is smart, funny, warm, genuine, cut-the-crap honest and a hoot to boot. Grace fell in some serious 'like' with her. They chatted,  laughed, they teased each other and underneath it all, they found a connection that two T1s can have, no matter what the age difference.

When Grace was first diagnosed, I went online and tried to find information. You know, the Google-race to see how much one can digest before one wants to literally throw up on the computer, then throw the computer out the window. That kind of information. I found tons about Type 1. Information that is.

Then I found Diabetesaliciousness. I read every blog she wrote. I laughed, I cried, I thought about my gal. I sent Kelly a one year Diaversary card, to thank her for helping me on this journey. She did, she just never knew how much. Maybe she still doesn't. It's hard to tell someone that they saved part of your life.

Here was a T1 woman who was strong, confident, healthy, taking it all in stride, humorous and was living her life with T1 and saying that if you were T1, you should too. It was all I wanted for Grace. I wanted to envision her grown, and strong, and confident and healthy and taking it all in stride and living her life. Kelly became part of my vision for Grace. The hell with the naysayers and the cure basket people and the ones who say she 'can't' and 'won't' - here she was. Literal proof that we could get there.

Kelly is all that.
Grace is, and can be, all that too.
I have proof.

'G' and 'D' at the Beach

Everyone needs a little medical ID on the beach.

I don't know if you can see that beautiful 87, but there it is!

4 hours in the ocean at -20% basal rate.

Thank the sweet Lord for completely waterproof Pods!

The girl loves to boogie board!

3 days. In the water 4+ hours straight.

SkinTac and waterproof insulin pumps ROCK!

35g a slice.

Extend 1/2 of the dose for an extra hour and we are home free!

Good to know should we ever want fried sweet potatoes.

Love how they post the carbs!

Don't you wish everything came with a carb count already on it?!

Fireworks on the beach.

Is there any sweeter sentence than that?!

Voila!

The cure

Oh you thought I was talking about the cure for T1? Oh silly gals, there's enough talk about that on the 'net and on blogs.


This is the cure I am talking about all week:

The cure for anything is salt water...  sweat, tears or the sea.

- Isak Denison 

Separation

The high that is endless. Flippin' endless it seems. Almost a day now.

We are talking 250, 268, 230 and now to top it all off, we have a new contestant in the game - a 386 after a morning breakfast of homemade pumpkin bread. I hate that darned pumpkin bread. With a passion. I don't know how many carbs are in it as it's homemade, I keep increasing what I do bolus her for it and it never seems to be enough, I hate carb-guessing. I even did a +30% basal rate extend for 2 hours on top of the gigantor bolus I gave her,  and nothing - we got a 322 an hour later. Yes, yes, yes, coming down, but I want a number 1 on this roulette wheel of diabetes darn it!!!!!

I was mad this morning. Mad at the high. Mad at the numbers. Mad at the D.

I kept repeating to Grace that I wasn't mad at her, but mad at the diabetes. Mad that it will take all day, I just know it, to bring her down to an in-range number. It will interrupt our day. It will interfere with what we want to do. It just stinks today.

Then I felt so bad about being mad at the diabetes. Even though I tell her that I am not mad at her, it still stings. She is the one with diabetes, so if I am mad at diabetes, aren't I just a teensy bit mad at her? So hard to separate the two at times. Now I feel guilty and bad. Not my typical mood.

Today, I really don't like highs.
And I really don't like numbers.
And I really love my daughter.
And I really don't like diabetes much at all.

CVS Fail

We use CVS for all of G's prescriptions. Normally I am very happy with their service, their speed and their ability to fill her prescriptions. Today was a rarity but it was a doozy.

Since going to our endo appt, I valiantly am trying to get the pump supplies she needs covered through her health insurance. There are three things I use religiously with Grace's OmniPod: SkinTac (if you have a gal who swims, you gotta have it), SkinPrep and UniSolve (to get it all off). The OmniPod sticks so well with these three things, they are essential to it's use for a young child. Grace's endo gladly wrote scripts for all three items when we were in last week. I thought I would try to get them covered, instead of ordering through American Diabetes Wholesale.

I submitted them to CVS, only to have them call me about 3 hours later and tell me they could find none of these products. I told them manufacturers, address, everything I knew about them from the box. They hung up and called me back 20 minutes later:

- They cannot locate SkinTac at all. Nothing in their system.
- They located SkinPrep, but it's discontinued. (What????)
- They ordered 2 boxes of UniSolve, they will be in tomorrow.

Ok, batting 1 for 3 here, but I go with it. Fine, I will be in tomorrow. Yippppeeee I think, they are covered under her insurance!

I go to CVS today. They are not covered by her insurance. Better yet, the box of UniSolve they did order, well, our conversation goes something like this:

Me: Oh, you got the one box in, great. Ok, it's not covered? What? Why not?
CVS gal: I am supposing because it's available over the counter, that you cannot have it covered by insurance.
Me: OK, well, I am still learning this game. Whatever, ok, I will take the one box you do have.


(I notice on the side of the box that the sticker says $12.80 for the box. I cannot for the life of me remember if that's cheaper or more expensive than when I ordered online, but when you gotta have UniSolve to get the Pod off, does it really matter the cost?)

CVS gal scans the bar code and up pops $14.99 for the box.
Me: I see it says $12.80 on the box, why did it come up $14.99?
CVS gal: Well, that must be the price we charge here.


CVS gal - while standing right in front of me - peels off the $12.80 sticker!
Me: Well, I am not paying $14.99 for them, you just peeled off the sticker! I'm paying $12.80.
CVS gal: Can I have a manager please?
Me: Are you kidding me? You peeled the sticker off right in front of me!!!!
CVS gal: ----------------------------------- (that would be utter silence)
Manager shows up. I tell him what happened.
Manager: Charge her the $12.80 and put the sticker back on the box.
CVS gal: ---------------------------------(utter silence as she checks me out)
Me on the way out: Hey there - stay cool - thanks so much, hope your day is FABULOUS!


Ok, I still love my CVS, but was this situation wacky or what???