Friday, January 25, 2013

The one where I say it

'What the hell did you have to eat that you are 354???'

'Two brownie little cupcakes in class. It was M's birthday. I dosed 10g each, Mom!'

'Honey, they are at least, at the very least, 20-25g each.'

'I'm sorry, Mom, it's all my fault.'

And she cries. And I am heartbroken. The very things that came out of my mouth just then were things I never say, and I said them. So, there goes the 'never say those things' statement, right out the window. I was tired, up all night with a 12 AM high, I worked all day, it's 4:30 PM and nary a dinner idea in sight. Homeworks to do, showers. It's been a loooong day. And this is the way I'm bringing it to a close.

'OK, I will get you down. And you are due for a Pod change, so we have to change that too.'

And through tears, we change a Pod, deal with a high and figure out what she can eat, cause she is hungry and 354 and climbing. She will hit a 394 before we start to see the downward descent.

And I said the very things that I admonish myself for even thinking. I say them. To her. And they hurt her. She didn't ask for diabetes. She just wanted to eat a flipping brownie cupcake with her class.

I should have told her I was proud of her for remembering to dose. I should have said that I understand, or try to, that it's hard to be a part of the party, yet run for your diabetes kit. I should have asked if she feels shitty with a BG of 354.

I say all those things as we lay in bed later. And I say I am sorry, sorry, sorry, for being angry with the 354 BG.

And my ever-loving girl forgives me. And she holds my hand. And she is the one who understands. And looks into my eyes and says it will all be OK.


7 comments:

Michael said...

I think it's good that you say it -- even if it is upsetting. It just reinforces how important it is to not have highs (that are THAT high). She's lucky to have someone that helps her manage and loves her. And you did it write -- you still surrounded the message with love, even if it did upset her initially.

Scott E said...

I think a better title for this post would be "The One Where SHE Says It". Because as you're undoubtedly focused on the words that came from your own mouth, I (the reader) am left with the mental image of the last paragraph -- of her reassuring you that it will all be OK.

And it will. Thanks for your story.

Colleen said...

Been there, done that!
She dosed it - she wasn't right but she did it.
And I cried just a little for her.
And yes, you'll both be okay.

Amanda said...

I've said it too I think. You fixed it and apologized though, that is what matters. She's learning and so are you.

Scott K. Johnson said...

A good example of what the pressures of diabetes can do to us.

I'm sure you felt awful, and that you made it up to her.

And good for her for trying, like you said. A learning experience for her, I'm sure.

PancreasticMom said...

I try not to say it. But I'm sure it will happen at some point. Some point like yours...tired, worn out after a long day and stressed about what lies ahead for the night before all the kids are in bed and the hot bubble bath is ready. I'm sorry:(. I can imagine how rotten that must have felt.

Jess said...

Oh Penny, I can feel the pain in your words as I read this. We all say things I regret. I know I do.

You are human. And I think Grace understands that.

Love you!