Monday, October 18, 2010

Letting It All Go

Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom. 
~Thomas Jefferson

8:30 pm Last night

I was about to tuck Grace into bed. The following is our conversation, in summary. I think it was about time. And she let her rip.

Goodnight honey, have a good sleep.... What's wrong? You look like you are gonna cry...

(The tears begin....) It's just that... it's that... I hate diabetes. I hate having to checking my blood sugar and I hate that I can't eat candy like other kids when I want all the time and I hate that I am different. You know why I loved camp Mom? You know it's because I wasn't the one who was different and I was there with all the kids and I wasn't different... I hate that I go to my friend's house and I can't eat what I want and I have to call you and get checked. And I don't like that it hurts sometimes and I just don't like it.

I am so sorry honey. I want to tell you I understand, but I'm not the one who has diabetes. So I can tell you that I am sorry you have diabetes and I will always help you. How can I help you? I am so sorry that you have this Type 1 diabetes. Mommy and Daddy really are sorry about it.

And you know what? When I am at the nurse's office, some kids peek at me checking my blood sugar and they gotta LOOK LOOK LOOK at what I am doing and they peek around the corner and I have NO privacy in there. It really bugs me. I mean they are looking at me do it and I don't like it. And I have to go to the nurse's office, that's another thing. I have to go and sometimes I am out of class and I don't like it. I don't like it that I have to go.

Maybe we can talk with Mrs. B and make a solution. Can you check around the corner of the desk or on the other side? Can you turn your back on the kids who are looking? What about the other table? I know you don't want people to look. I think they are looking cause they are curious, not cause they want to bother you. You can always ask them not to look and you can tell Mrs. B. to tell them not to look. I'm sorry you feel you don't have privacy sweetie.

But this stinks Mom. I mean I don't like it. I really don't like it.

Can I tell you something? Something I don't think I have told you lately? That I love you and your diabetes?

You LOVE diabetes? I don't think you can LOVE diabetes Mom!!!!! You love me cause you HAVE TO, you are my Mom!!!!

Well I do sweetie. Diabetes is a part of you, like your blue eyes and your brown hair and your funny personality and the way you dance around the house. It joined you late, at age 6, but it's just one part of you now. I love it cause it's part of you. It doesn't mean that I don't like how it makes you feel and what it does to your body and all the stuff we have to do because of it. But I love it cause I accept it as part of my love for you. You know your sister and her autism? I love the autism, cause it's part of her. It just is. I love her jokes, the way she loves things so intensely, the way she shares her joy, her love of all things Veggie Tales and her smile. And her autism. And your other sister, I love how she always gets the joke, her glasses and her hair and her braces and her love of all things beauty-related. You are all so different, but you all have pieces that I love. You happen to have diabetes. I love it cause it's part of you. That's just how I feel about it. You don't have to love it, it's ok. I just want you to know that I love all of you and it will be OK.

I'm not sure I love it Mom. OK, so I don't actually hate it. I mean I don't like it - the checking and the calling you and the carb counting, those things...I mean, B has a feeding tube in my classroom and he's different and he goes to the nurse all the time and my friend C has asthma and she can't go on the hayride at the orchard and they can't have a cat. I got a lot of different friends Mom. I just am sad. I'm sad about having diabetes tonight. I don't want to have it. 

You want to call someone? You want to talk to L from camp? I have her phone number? Then you and her could chat about camp and what fun you had and then you could talk about how the D is bringing you down lately. You could call Kelly - she could talk with you. I mean, I know she's a grown up and all, but she has had D since she's been little like you. She would talk with you. I could call her and you could chat...

I could write to Kelly and tell her. I'm not sure I wanna talk with her, I think I am gonna cry and I don't want to talk with her and cry. I think I am tired Mom. I am really tired.

You want me to read some of your story to you?

Yeah, that would be good. I'll go to sleep and you read. Then I can fall asleep. And Mom, you know what? Thanks for taking care of my diabetes. I mean, I know I don't like it, but I 'm glad that you love it cause you love me.


Denise said...

too many tears this morning!
So sad to have our little ones feel this way. You handled it beautifully. Good job mama!

Heidi =) said...

This brought tears to my eyes! Beautiful post, you are a rock star mom!

Nicole said...

Thanks I'm crying now!!! :) what a wonderful story and some really special conversation that she will remember for the rest of her life :) Great job mom!!

Unknown said...

(((HUGS))) to Grace AND you Penny. What a tough conversation. You handled that so well. I hope that when Joe brings up stuff that way to me that I can remember the gracious manner in which you handled this.

shannon said...

These conversations always seem to happen at bedtime in my house too. You handled it beautifully, as you can see by the way it ended.

Joanne said...

Wow... tears, tears and more tears! What a hard conversation, but you handled it so well. I am not looking forward to the day when Elise starts bringing up these things.

k2 said...

HUGS to Grace of my Heart and her wonderful mamma!!
Please tell Gracie that she can call me anytime she wants, no matter what!
And she can even call me "kellybelly" if it makes her feel better!!
Kelly K

SarahK said...

OMG. I am bawling! Like her and K2, I've been diabetic since age 4. It is hard. I still have moments like that. Heck, I had one this morning when everything just didn't work right. I hated diabetes, cussed it out like a sailor, but then I have to move on.
Please give her a ginormous hug from me and tell her that yes, it sucks sometimes and it's okay to cry and get angry at it and just let it all out. But not to let it get to her too bad before talking with you. Let her know that we're here for the both of you and anything she wants to vent, you can write for her on here and we'll listen and understand 100%.

SarahK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pam said...

Sometimes I feel the same way.
From, Grace:)

Cara said...

Bless her heart. I've been a diabetic since I was 4. I understand! And reading about her frustrations makes me sad because I know what it's like. :( Sometimes I still get that way. I think we all do. And sometimes we just need to have our little breakdowns and let it all out.
Thanks for being her mom and being so wonderful.

Misty said...

Breaks my heart. But you did a really nice job of talking through it with her. I will remember this conversation when my daughter has a meltdown...I can feel it coming! Lately it has just been about her fingers hurting, but I know theres more coming.

Alexis Nicole said...

oh wow so intense. Those moments with J are the hardest for me too. Honestly you handled it amazingly well. Shes very lucky to have you. Dmoms are a different breed. Seriously we are! (((hugs)))

Lorraine of "This is Caleb..." said...

I'm glad Grace was comfortable to talk to you about her feelings. Great job, momma, in supporting her. You did a wonderful job talking through it with her.

Becca said...

NSFW! I couldn't help but tear up too. Like everyone said, beautifully handled. I was told recently that sometimes we just have to grieve the things we lost with this diagnosis. And some days it just sucks more than others. *hugs to Grace and you*

Meri said...

What a beautiful conversation! You are such a wonderful D Mama! I know she felt your pure love for her.


Heather said...

Thank you for sharing that conversation. It is one I know I am sure to have with my daughter someday.

You responded in such a beautiful way. You are a wonderful mother.

Unknown said...

We had a similar conversation over here the other night....she seems to have bounced back....but....I'm still a bit affected.

Hugs, my friend...God bless.

Heidi / D-Tales said...

Ooh, that one made me cry! Those nighttime conversations are often when their feelings come pouring out, aren't they? I love the way you responded to her. Your words were beautiful.

Leighann of D-Mom Blog said...

Okay, crying here, too (at work).

Everyone needs to just let it out sometimes. What I can't believe is how these kids, like your Grace and my Quinn, don't have moments like this more often. They have every right to!

But they somehow take diabetes in stride and rise to the occasion.

I am sure our kids will have more moments like these. I know that each of us would trade places if we could. But all you can do is comfort her exactly as you did.

Amanda said...

Bless her sweet little heart, and yours too! I am now trying to memorize everything you said - such a loving and understanding answer!
I hate those conversations, but am so grateful that our girls know they can talk to us and tell us how they feel.