There, I said it. And I know what the comments will be:
Penny, you are so not a failure.
You are doing such a good job.
You are doing the best you can.
And on other days, I might agree. But today, tonight, I feel like a complete and utter failure as a pancreas for my daughter.
The last six weeks have been nothing short of awful with blood sugars. She is high, then she is low, she is sailing on a smooth course, then BAM, she shoots down like a rock. She shoots over 350 and stays there for hours while I throw what seems like water on her highs. We treat a low and she shoots high. She gets stubborn lows and hangs in the 50s for an hour. She is high one day, low the next and I haven't changed one damn thing. She eats the same foods from one day to the next and her numbers are no where near each other on those days.
I feel like I want to throw something out the freaking window.
I feel frustrated, because with all these highs and lows, she misses class time. She is with the nurse treating the low, adjusting the high, and she misses class. Class that she loves.
She got her report card and it showed a damn near gifted child, who is so far above the other kids that she scored percentages that are near what the guidelines are for exiting 5th grade. In October. And I think, damn, just think what she might do if she was in class all the other time?!
And she broke down tonight and cried about it all. How she wishes she didn't miss any class, and she wishes that she could just have a day of good numbers. And I told her all the right things - that it will all be OK, that we will get on the right path soon, that Mommy will once again sit with the basals and corrections and ratios and adjust it all, so that tomorrow honey, no lows or highs.
And I feel like I lied to her. Cause tomorrow is gonna be one great big sucky rewind of today.
And the day after that. And after that.
On and on and on.
Cause I feel like I am lost and I cannot find my way back. That I am lost in numbers and ratios and counts and adjusting. Just completely lost. My head swims with the numbers and the damn, freaky graphs on her CGM, which look like mountains and hills and glaciers. Yeah, they aren't supposed to look like that, are they? They do. Every damn day for the last three weeks.
I feel guilty cause I am the programmer of the pump. She's 10, she doesn't do that yet. I control the almighty insulin. And the lows make me feel like shit. And they make her feel like shit. And the highs have me angry. And they make her angry.
I'm the puppeteer of a pump.
And I keep it all from her. And I tell her it's OK.
I feel like I am lying.